Award Show 101

Well, this will be a quick study, because let's face it, I believe most of us Gen X folk listen to music much more than we go to the movies (well, Oscar-caliber movies, anyway...no Tyler Perry or "Superbad"-type flicks in this room). I thought I would be lost all night until they announced the nominees for the Best in Visual Effects award - I actually saw TWO of these movies: "Transformers" and winner "The Golden Compass." (Yeah!) Beyond that, I was just an ignorant witness, so I guess I'll be hitting a couple screens, or NetFlix, to catch up. Anyway, even with my limited topical knowledge, I couldn't let the "event of the awards' season" pass without at least a few comments...

1. HD is wreaking HAVOC on Hollywood - folk look really, really bad in high definition: wrinkles and crow's feet and yellow teeth - oh my!!

2. Wesley Snipes wore a purple tux...first of all, let me back up: WHY was he there? All square with the tax man so now it's all good to get back out in the general population? Cool...but let's upgrade our wardrobe to the 21st century, shall we? And his "date" Spike Lee looked strange as well, wearing all white and black topped off with a hat. Guys, "Mo' Betta Blues" was like 10 years ago...

3. Who keeps dressing Jennifer Hudson in white/light-colored dresses?? AND sleeveless?? I told ya'll before, she's got a hater in her camp...

4. Where and when did Renee Zellweiger get booty?

5. Genuine Un-Hollywood Moment: sweetly surprised award-winner Marion Coutillard ("La Vie En Rose") won the audience over with her tearful but joyful short acceptance speech in which she searched her memory for those to thank and came up with simply, "...thank you life, thank you love..."

6. Strippers of the world, raise your glasses up: Diablo Cody, writer of the year's sleeper hit, "Juno," got up on-stage to accept her award in an off-color tiger print, ½ mini/ ½ gown dress, with her colorful sailor-like shoulder tattoo...yes, you can! It's a celebration, bitches! (And she even kept her stripper name!!)

7. Will we ever know the secret little joke that Jack Nicholson is always laughing at every time he speaks? The man always has a chuckle like he knows a whole lot of stuff we don't.

8. The show began with Achievement in Costume Design...who picked that to lead off ? What a way to keep the audience waiting (and bored). At the Grammys, this would have been one of those awards that scrolled along the bottom of the screen, something that happened in the non-televised portion of the show earlier that afternoon. I couldn't tell you the name of the woman who won, however, her dress was so hideous (brown, with sparkles, sleeveless, low back) and she was so awkward-looking, it made me wonder how she qualified for Achievement in Costume Design. Clearly, she threw something other than herself into her work.

9. The awards went about 50 minutes over, and if anyone stayed up to catch the last one, you must have wondered the same as I: didn't presenter Denzel Washington look like he'd been sleep all night, and just woke up to do his bid? His eyes were all red and puffy. (But he rocked that fresh cut and tux, though! Note to Wesley and Spike, uh, my man "Bleek" stepped it up...and into 2008.)

10. Overall recap: Jon Stewart was just ok as host; only really funny to me when he threw in political jokes. And if you don't know by now, "No Country for Old Men" was the big winner of the evening for acting and directing, and "The Bourne Ultimatum" must be some kind of technical super-masterpiece, winning several awards for sound and editing. So, if, like myself, you ain't seen nothin', you might check a few of them out. Lastly, I offer two lists:

BEST GUYS

It seems that high definition has less effect on the men...no matter what their age, no one looked extra-stressed or worn-out. And there was a significant amount of eye-candy in the room and on the red carpet: George Clooney, Dwanye "The Rock" Johnson, Javier Bardem, Colin Farrell, Patrick Dempsey, Denzel Washington, Steve Carrell.

WORST GIRLS

Alas, I have to mention once again that most definitely , High Def is not the move...these ladies need to stay away, far away: Cameron Diaz (and pink is NOT your color), Jennifer Garner, Penelope Cruz (I thought Latin didn't crack??), Hilary Swank, Tilda Swinton (not that her face was worn or wrinkled. She's simply too white to be seen in sharp high definition; it hurt my eyes when she hit the screen in her black sleeveless gown. I guess she IS The White Witch from Narnia, for real.)

Until next time - SWEETEST!!

Culture vulture Angie Brown is the founder of iCandy, a colorful lifestyle outpost for all things interesting, informational and inspirational. She regularly writes commentary on the most vain of all celebrity celebrations, the awards shows. Whether it's Grammys or the Oscars or MTV red-carpet affairs, count on Ms.Brown to offer witty re-cap the morning after. Check her out on [http://www.spoiltheending.tv], http://www.mothmagazine.com and her own website, http://www.iwanticandy.com

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